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Walking Before I Crawl

On February 27, 2021, I met my first grandchild, a sweet little boy who will one day call me "Grandy." As I held him for the first time, I had to hold back laughter. Because here I was, waiting to be a mother, while holding my grandson.


Life doesn't always go the way you think I will.


On the drive out to California to meet this precious little boy, I had a lot of time to think about what kind of grandmother I will be. And how my experience as a grandmother will influence the kind of mother I will be.


I like to walk before I crawl. Jump right into grandmotherhood before I've yet experienced motherhood.


Our two weeks in California were filled with swaddles and diapers, spit up and lullabies. I got to watch my husband be a rockstar dad and kick-ass Pops. And I got to try on the roles of bonus mom and Grandy with my precious, unconventional family. When I held my grandson, I felt my body naturally sway and bounce to calm him. He fit perfectly into the crook of my arm and nestled into my shoulder. While he slept I did laundry and made baked goods.


One day, as I was frosting a batch of cinnamon rolls, I realized I didn't need to figure out what my role as grandmother went. Just like I don't need to figure out what my role as step mom means. Or as mother. I am me. In every scenario, that is who I am.


I laugh and bake and like to make beds and give hugs. I read stories and hum lullabies. I do a happy dance when I eat something yummy. I like to go for walks and listen to podcasts. I don't like to drive but I'm a great co-pilot.


I can bring all of me into every role I am called to. Wife. Bonus mom. Grandy. Mom.


I had worried that holding that precious boy would make me ache for my own child. But instead it made me feel excitement for the day Mike and I will parent a child together. To learn to fill the role of Mommy with all of the unique ways I have been gifted and created.


I will embrace the journey towards motherhood. I will celebrate my titles of friends, love, Brandy and Grandy. And one day I will welcome Mommy with all of the other titles I have been graced with.







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